getting texts from the text man

so maybe i am losing my mind

a real text i recieved from the text man post-spiral. no, i didn’t go but i can’t say receiving this didn’t make me giggle at my phone a little bit. i am no better than the next woman. sorry.

i hate that i like it. i hate that i like when you leave me to wonder where you are and what you’re doing only to text me something flirty to soften what you haven’t done. we’re casual. i know that but, i’m not casual and i’ve never been. i don’t know why i thrust myself into these situations where i’m often left wondering where they are.

i do my hair and gloss my lips to take a picture for you, maybe you’ll notice i tried. likely you won’t, and i’ll wonder why the message says opened for 4+ hours. cue the mortifying negative thoughts and rumination. you’d think this would end after being nineteen?! you say you like your alone time, at least it’s what you told me. but i think it’s the fact that you went on a coke binge the night prior and your head is nothing but mush and despair so you couldn’t even muster up a response if you wanted to. knowing that just makes me want to smother you. you’re almost 30. i still can’t help and think, why didn’t he do some with me?—but i have to be fucking real with myself every time. no cocaine! no cocaine! i think i have adhd anyway. it won’t even be the neurotypical type of fun! no cocaine!! but alas, i wanna come over like you asked and fix it it all for you and you let me suck you off until everything’s all better. it’s my special talent, that’s all that i’m good for.

i want you to crack my ribs and reach for my beating heart. take a bite and tell me it tastes phenomenal. my deep red blood falling from the corners of your mouth and you smile, all 32 of your teeth a tinge of red, it mixes with your saliva so it bubbles a bit when you laugh. i want to kiss you so can taste myself, i want to be one with you. i want to be your favorite. but that’s not casual. so instead i wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and WAIT for a text from “the text man”. that’s what you are right now since i never see you. i want to live in your skin and you want to be free like a dove in the wind. i’ve never been normal about these things. i don’t think i ever will.